This is a perfect descriptive picture of what my life has been like for the past four plus months:

Photo courtesy of Photos8.com

From Bill being sick, to his kidneys shutting down, to his diagnosis of multiple myeloma, to a prostate cancer scare, to looking at a possible year of chemotherapy, I have been scared to the point of being frozen with fear. When I have looked out of my (perhaps) self-imposed cage, the view was no better. Wars, earthquakes, natural disasters. Unrest. Anger. Political vitriol is hard to escape – it seems to have invaded everything. Prices keep going up and packaging keeps getting smaller. Everywhere I looked the message seemed to be saying that yes, the world was beginning to come to an end.

If my outer world felt like a barbed wire cage, my inner world provided no solace. Another pictorial description:

Photo courtesy of Photos8.com

I have felt like this more days than not. The screams could find no voice and even if I could make a sound, I felt there were no ears to hear it. I did talk to Bill but I didn’t want to hinder his healing with my being maudlin. Before you get too worried about me, the fact that I am writing about it means that I am finding my way out of the cage. Look at the first picture again, there is an opening there at the bottom right.

Fear is an interesting thing. I’ve never realized its power until now. It really can paralyze you. I don’t know how I let it overcome me but it did and I didn’t like it, but then who does?

I’ve tried to justify it with no satisfaction. Mostly I’ve just let it creep into anything and everything. And the worst part is that it made me emotionally fragile and physically sick myself. Every moment I was waiting on the next bit of bad news and catastrophe. I actively searched for evidence that everything was going bad and of course, I found it.

Here’s what I’ve been so scared about:

• Fear of losing Bill
• Fear of losing myself
• Fear of losing Pamelot
• Fear of losing my lifestyle
• Fear of losing my faith
• Fear of losing my creativity
• Fear of losing my talent
• Fear of losing my world

As many know, I will not touch my fabric or bags if I can’t do it in total love. Well, I’ve not been able to do that while living in fear. The last bag I created was this one:

I was so darned proud of that bag. I grinned and grinned while I used it. For one lousy day. Then the vinyl on one of the D-rings started tearing. It was unusable and I was devastated! I was more devastated than a person should be. I mourned for that bag.  It sat in the studio for months. I would see it every day and mourn it all over again. My mind was so muddled by fear that I could find no solution, just sadness and shame.

Why shame? I have been sewing for 80% of my life. My first sewing teacher was a wicked taskmaster. She insisted that my work be perfect. If it wasn’t, I had to rip out my work and do it again and again until it was perfect. I learned relatively fast how to do things right the first time. Of the hundreds of bags I have made, I have never had one fail like this. When I am making a bag, it has been built over and over in my head before I ever cut fabric. I never have to rip out seams because I am doing something I’ve done many times before. So this beautiful bag, the best one I had ever made, failed on its first day of use. In my world, that is shame.

A week ago tomorrow, I deconstructed most of this bag. The problem with doing this is sewing on vinyl (and leather) leaves irreparable holes. For weeks I had been trying to find a way to fix it only to come up empty. When I started ripping out seams, I still had no solution and was going to salvage the lining and just make a new bag. My heart hurt every time I thought about that. Just before I started on the zipper seams, I had a thought. I could see a doubled reinforced D-Ring tab that should withstand the forces the weight of the bag would place on it. I made a sample tab and pulled and pulled on it. It didn’t rip. So I engineered new tabs that would cover the needle holes, sewed them on and re-made the bag. (All the while holding my breath.)

So far, so good. But. Something in me won’t allow myself to be as proud as I was the first time around. The bag actually looks better and I do love it. But back at the same time when my wicked sewing teacher was demanding that I be perfect, religion was being literally beat into me too. “Pride goeth before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18. And yes, I did learn “fear of the lord.”  In my twisted and fearful world, I wondered if my beautiful bag broke because I was too proud of it. It’s interesting how things beat into us come back to haunt us. It’s also interesting how those hauntings restrict us.

I’ve not been able to create anything yet, though I can feel those “seeds” about to break the surface. Meanwhile, I continue to fight the fear.

]]> http://www.soulseasoning.com/2011/03/living-in-fear/feed/ 6 http://www.soulseasoning.com/2011/01/and-it-snowed-and-snowed/ http://www.soulseasoning.com/2011/01/and-it-snowed-and-snowed/#comments Thu, 20 Jan 2011 21:50:37 +0000 Pam http://www.soulseasoning.com/?p=129

I can’t say that I am fond of winter. Really, that line is quite an understatement. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). One thing that has been a great help is light therapy. I have a special light box that I sit in front of each morning. Usually, I spend an hour in front of it but lately an hour hasn’t been enough. This past week the light has been on for a minimum of three hours. The alternative, for me, is unbearable.

Last night when I took the dogs out for the last time, the ground was bare. This morning when I got up the world was a winter wonderland – for some!

That picture was taken about 7:30 this morning. It snowed about two more inches before it all stopped!

One thing I do enjoy about winter is feeding the birds. When I heard the winter storm warning yesterday, I made sure the feeders were full. This year I have 5 feeders out. Some years there are up to nine. I only feed black oiler sunflower seeds – all the birds love them and I don’t get weeds everywhere. I have a deal with the birds – they get sunflower seeds in the winter and in return, they plant sunflowers for me to enjoy in the Spring and Summer. I will show you what they give me this summer.

Anyway, I thought you might enjoy looking at a bit of snow from inside, wherever you are. I find the feeder “hats” very amusing.

I have many kinds of birds that visit the feeders and I never tire of watching them. I have 4, sometimes 5 pairs of cardinals, many sparrows, purple finches and house finches, quite a few juncos, downy woodpeckers, flickers and a little house wren family.

I also have the bane of bird feeders – squirrels. This one must have just taken a bath.

The cardinals are my favorite, though. They feed early in the morning and late in the afternoon, unless there is snow and then they feed most all day long.

It is interesting how the snow made this chair into sculpture.

I will leave you with one last picture – my favorite. This male cardinal knew I was taking pictures of him. Each time I would snap a shot, he would change position and pose some more.

Until next time… stay warm!

I am so glad you stopped by!

On this birthday of SoulSeasoning, I wanted to introduce myself to you if we haven’t met yet. And if we have met, I am so grateful to have you in my world. Before I forget, please leave me a comment to say hi and what you think of this place – please? I promise I will reply. Thanks!

My name is Pam. I have been making bags for 15 years or thereabout. For the longest time, I didn’t think of myself as an artist, even though people put that label on me. I am happy to say I proudly call myself artist now! Here is a self portrait of me so you will know who you are talking to. (Don’t let the size scare you and ahem, I am on the left!)

I live with two beautiful Golden Retrievers named Tootsie and Ray.

We all live with Sister Zoe – a very sweet cat that looks like she got splattered with bleach.

This is where we live. It’s called Pamelot and there will be news about Pamelot soon!

So how did I get here?

Many years ago my dear friend Gayle, who is a wonderful artist, handed me a small bag and told me I could make something like it because I was an artist. The word felt uncomfortable – I was no artist! I took the bag and created something new and different from its design. She loved it and that style of bag is consistently one of my best sellers. Here is an example of that bag in its current incarnation.

It’s called The Envelope Bag and soon, several of them will be showing up in my Etsy store. You can get there easily by clicking over there on the right where it says, “Etsy Store.”

All of my bags are my original designs and I draft all of the patterns myself. In the early days Bill/Parker (depending on how long you have known him), my husband of almost 30 years (really??? How can that be?), drafted the patterns for me because he is one of those whiz-bang engineers. I have since learned how to get my mental creations out of my head, onto paper and then into 3-D reality on my own.

If you visit here regularly, you will learn lots more about me, see my newest creations, follow along with me in my creative process and of course, lots of other things. Would you like to subscribe to my blog feed? Over there on the right is a little orange button and link. Clicking on it will subscribe you. If you use a blog feed like Google Reader, follow SoulSeasoning as you would any other blog.

Thank you again for visiting me on “Opening Day!” We will talk soon!

p.s. Check out my Etsy Store!

In the hours before I give birth to this venture, I just want to stop a moment and catch my breath. I want it to be summer. I want to be surrounded by warmth and flowers. Like this one.

A Prize

Tomorrow will be a big day for me and SoulSeasoning. My Etsy store will open with a very limited selection of bags. My SoulSeasoning Facebook Page will go live. And this blog will become public.

Taking a deep breath. And another. And another.

Happy Birthday SoulSeasoning! Here’s to your rebirth on 1/12/11. I am ready to set you free into the world.

Well, hello there Blog! Have you missed me? Since I made my first blog post I have studied many successful blogs. I’ve taken a product photography class. I’ve studied Search Engine Optimization (SEO). I’ve bought and read books about blogging and being successful. I’ve talked a lot about doing it. I’ve thought a lot about doing it. You know what? As I write right this minute, my head is swirling. Chaos-like. It’s not even a controlled chaos, which some experts say is the secret to success. I feel kind of like this – scattered and hair-brained with lumps of ideas here and there :

Oh, I have been creative… I’ve designed and sewn many bags. I’ve added new designs to my SoulSeasoning line. I have continued with Pamelot Pottery. I even had my first trunk show this past summer. Pamelot itself has undergone transformations – the latest being turning my bedroom into the Pamelot Studio and moving my bed to the sun room and calling it, The Sleeping Room. And yet, there hasn’t been much visible movement towards becoming a blogger or getting my wares on Etsy. Until now.

Now when you go to my website, you are directed here, to my blog. Eventually, my website will tie into Etsy and my blog seamlessly.

I am in the process of settling on the product shots I will use for my Etsy shop, which can be found here.

There is nothing there yet except for my “beginner’s” banner. This is what it looks like.

I have determined what my shop sections will be and I have decided to open a separate shop for Pamelot Pottery. That will come after I have SoulSeasoning up and running. There are just so many decisions to make right now. Shipping? Descriptions? Props? Blogging schedule? Blog content? Social media? (By the way, you can follow me on Twitter @SoulSeasoning.) Tags? Finding followers? Finding customers? Are you swirling with me yet?

The bottom line is that I am determined to do this and do it well. I hope you (yes, you and please leave me a comment so I know you visited!) will keep me company on this journey. I hope I can offer you something that will keep you coming back – even if it is entertainment at watching me spin. Talk to you soon!

Beginnings are slippery sometimes. Sometimes they can be caught by a camera, like the poppy I witnessed opening one Sunday morning. One moment that poppy was just a bud and the next moment, the bud practically exploded and those glorious red-orange petals appeared. In awe, I have watched poppies open many times so I was ready for this one to burst open.

This blog, on the other hand, has not been such a surety to me. By the way, Hi! My name is Pam. I’ve been an early adopter of many technologies, including the Internet, but for some reason, I’ve often shied away from having a blog. Perhaps it is just that my blog started out the size of a poppy seed. And perhaps, like that poppy plant up there, it took years for the seed to take hold. (I promise that future entries won’t be so cliche’ filled.)

This next picture was take a mere five minutes after the bud opened:

So what will this SoulSeasoning blog be about? I think it will be about a journey. It will be a story about creating. It will be about my inspirations. It will be about my SoulSeasoning bags and purses. Years ago when I first started designing bags, I knew they needed a name. The name, SoulSeasoning, just came to me – I am sure you know what I mean. Ever since, my online moniker has been SoulSeasoning and every one of my bags (there are hundreds now) have included a SoulSeasoning label. I am often asked what the name means. This is my answer:

SoulSeasoning is a philosophy; a way of looking at life. Just as spices season the food we eat, SoulSeasoning is seasoning for the soul. When you see or touch something that makes you smile inside, that is part of what SoulSeasoning is about.

I live by this philosophy and I suppose, this blog will also be about sharing the SoulSeasoning philosophy. I have one more picture to share. It is close to the epitome of what the philosophy of SoulSeasoning is to me.

I am looking forward to this journey – Thanks for joining me!